In
the teacher’s manual which accompanies her excellent course of
study, Born of a Woman, Dene Ward has the following observation: “We
have raised too many spoiled, self-centered young people who think that
they are the only ones who matter in any family decision and who expect
their parents to willingly give up everything for them with no thought
of themselves, much less of the Lord and His people.… We have let our
permissive, rights-oriented society determine our philosophy.”
Recently, a
ladies’ Bible class, studying this material, addressed the question:
“How can we rear children that are not selfish and self-centered?” The
following thoughts were suggested:
First,
example. Selfish parents cannot hope to rear unselfish children.
However, parents whose idea of providing a good example is to give in
constantly to their children’s wishes or preferences will produce the
very selfishness they want to avoid. Better to let children see parents
being unselfish with one another and planning unselfishly to serve those
in need outside the family. And the effect of such an example will be
greatly increased when the unselfishness is practiced cheerfully and
when it is seen to bring genuine happiness.
Unselfish
people outside the family can also be useful examples. Point out such
people to children and commend them. Children are imitators and they
will imitate those they are led to admire.
Involve
children in family decisions. Discuss an increase in contribution or a
gift to some victim of disaster with them. Allow them to go along when
parents are going to help someone in need. All of this enables them to
feel that they are personally involved, and they begin to taste the
satisfaction of unselfish service.
Taken a
step further, parents may help children to look for ways that they can
actually help others personally. A toy given to children who have none,
something helpful done for an aged or invalid person, even a card sent
to someone who is sick can begin to form a pattern of unselfishness. It
is better not to tell them what to do. Just help them see the need and
let them determine their own response. Though it may not be what you
would do, let them carry through on their own decision and then praise
them for their generosity.
To learn
the unselfish use of money, children need some money to use. They need
to give something of their own, rather than something that has been
given to them. The best way for them to have money is to earn it—the way
it must be obtained throughout life. Once they have money, they can be
taught to divide it up—some for the Lord, some for things they need,
some for savings and some for pleasure.
At the same
time, to be unselfish, children must learn that there are some things
that they must do for which there is no pay: such as cleaning their own
rooms or helping with the family dishes or mowing the family grass.
Children who have not learned to share family responsibilities are poor
candidates for successful marriage.
By all
means, Christian parents must provide what public schools are not
providing—Bible teaching regarding unselfishness. A group of children
whom I recently taught knew many scriptures regarding heaven, the
church, salvation, and other Bible subjects; but not one knew the words
of Jesus demanding that disciples deny themselves and take up their
crosses. Surely nothing in the teaching and example of Jesus is more
emphasized than unselfishness. And nothing is more contrary to the
accepted wisdom of our modern day. Public schools, the press,
psychologists, counselors (both professional and non-professional), as a
rule, are teaching selfishness—the right to do what you want, to set
your own course in life without concern for others. Unless our children
are taught otherwise, they will surely accept this philosophy.
Regardless,
however, of our example, teaching, efforts to involve them,
encouragement of initiative and positive reinforcement, children will
still require some parental control if they are to avoid selfishness.
They only learn unselfishness by giving in and allowing others to have
their way. Accomplishing this may be awkward for unselfish parents, but
there is a way. Fathers can require that children be unselfish with
their mothers, and mothers can demand that children be unselfish with
their fathers. Both can demand unselfishness among siblings and
playmates. Selfishness will surface at times, but it must never be
accepted.
Such
teaching and control must be practiced when children are still teachable
and controllable. We must not wait too long. Otherwise, we will wake up
sooner than we expect to find ourselves with the kind of self-centered
and selfish children so graphically described in Dene Ward’s book and so
tragically common in modern America.
Other Articles by
Sewell Hall
Five Smoot Stones of
Parenting
Why Do Churches of Christ
Differ So Widely?
Is Only One Church Right?
Confusion and Transgression
Dangerous
Preaching
Churches -- God-Centered or Man-Centered